Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
