I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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