Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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