You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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