cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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