last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
