I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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