I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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