I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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