ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
