i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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