im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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