my phone needs a breathalizer
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
