If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up under a house in Key West
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