Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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