I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
