The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
