I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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