I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
