just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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