I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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