Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
