I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
