My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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