are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
