Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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