You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
