NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
