just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
