You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
