By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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