he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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