I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
