Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
