meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
