I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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