Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
