This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
