i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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