I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
