Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
