Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
