i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
