oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize