I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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