awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
