FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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