i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
