I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
