That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
