I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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