forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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