I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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