Just fell off a train. Bad.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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